Today was a difficult day. I was at the memorial for a young friend, by young I mean, not even out of high school, though close. He had everything seemingly, going for him; Accolades from various organizations, well respected by everyone who knew him, admissions to at least three colleges. Most importantly, and tellingly, more friends that anyone else I know. The church service was filled to overflowing, literally every seat taken and people standing all over the place. I arrived twenty minutes early and luckily secured a seat, I’m afraid after my ‘hiking exertion’ on Thursday last I would not have been able to make it by leaning against a wall while standing. Glad I went on the hike, not too happy I missed my ‘turn off’ and went for a far longer hike than planned.
Rituals. Childbirth, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals. I am not going to lie, I have a hard time attaching meaningful feelings to these things. I find they don’t help me process what has happened. Do I feel differently than other people? Could be, I mean we all want to be unique snowflakes in the world, at least I think I do. I see others joyously moving through life, celebrating the victories and I can never get over the feeling that something is just not right here. Something holds me back from experiencing the joy I think others are feeling. It’s not all bad, on the flip side of the coin, I don’t think I feel as deeply a loss either, when things go south. No fear means no joy? I’m missing out on the deep feelings. I have an indifference to death. My own in particular, the veil is gone, I see it as one more mystery that, ultimately I too, shall solve. Or not, if you’re a ‘no afterlife’ sort of person. Imagine how surprised I’ll be when I wake up in a VR tank, having played the game to the finish, only to realize I’ve only moved up one layer. I’d imagine if it is the ‘real world’ that there will plenty of counsellors on hand to prevent immediate ‘upper life’ suicide to get to the next level above that. Of course, that could all be a ruse too. Total inception mind fuck stuff, eh? One can hope we’ve progressed so far as a species that we entertain ourselves by playing immersive games of 1 to 130 years in length to keep from growing bored out of our bloody minds.
We can’t run from ritual. Be it at bedtime or death. Being there in the good times and the bad for people is what humans do. People multiply joy and divide sorrow. Though I’d rather have a sorrow eraser, if I had a choice. I’ve long subscribed to stoicism, accepting what is and flowing with it, rather than fighting against it. Very Zen-like, eh? Letting the winds bend me, but not break me. I take comfort in my friends, dividing that sorrow. Some know what I’m struggling against, some do not; all offer a caring shoulder, a smiling face or a shell of kava. (Bula!) Humans are both the best and worst part of this planet, I strive to be the best and regret the times I’ve been the worst. Moving on from the worst and taking heart from an inspiring 18 year old who died is a way to put that into practice.
